when derre's no trust, derre can never be love. true..
i made a mistake. not trusting him was one mistake i keep repeating all e tyme. i never learn. until evrything changed wid a blink of an eye.
treasure him or her who loves u so. esp wen he or she loves u more den him or herself. cuz it wud be too late wen he or she cudnt take it no more and decided to leave. it wud jus be too late..
monday morning. dat was wen i got all my questions answered. by him. and i jus cant blame him at all. it really was all my fault. and i regretted. i really do.
i cudnt work at all dat day. many mistakes i made. feelings i cant keep in me dat i jus had to let out. i cudnt eat. e things he said to me dat morning affected me so hard. it kept playing back in my head dat i cudnt do my work at all.
and after all dat, jus wen i thot we wud be alryte, now dat i know why he's acting dat way, we had another misunderstanding.
but, was glad had it all settled dat nyte. not dat it was easy. but we managed to settle it after e big fuss. glad dat we didnt hav to do anything stupid tho.
and today. its been better den e other days i used to live by. pray it wil last.
another day of fuss and fyte passed and i stil cudnt get exact, satisfying, convincing answers to all e questions playing in my head. all dis fyting and making up thing is pushing me to e limit and exhausting me. pple, esp his mum, kept telling me if we're destined for each other i dun hafta worry and be like dis. if we're meant for each other, we'll eventually meet again someday, even if it means having to go our separate ways now. but.. they wun understand wad im going thru, how i feel, how i really wana protect dis relationship, how committed i am abt dis relationship. no one can.
today was suppose to be a happy one. at least i thot it wud.. but i ended up crying all e way to and from his place. we were suppose to go jogging together tonyte at my place but end up he went to a dinner w/o me and stayed out all nyte wid his frens, who are more important den me. i was rather disappointed he didnt ask me to come. i dunno if it was planned way before or he purposely planned it today. i dun wish to know either. actually, i dun wana know. cuz im sure its gonna hurt knowing.
oh well.. anyway, i went jogging all alone, thinking he wud rush down ryte after dinner to jog along wid me as planned but obviously dat can never happen. so yeah.. i guess im jus hoping for something dat can and wil never ever happen.
it is sad. but i chose dis path in my life so im living it altho it hurts so much inside me. i am praying. praying so hard. to hav ALLAH show me e ryte path and whether or not e path im walking on is e ryte one. if it is, den its fine with me. i'll continue its journey. but, if im on e wrong path, pls ALLAH, bring me home. AMIN..
i thot he didnt care. i thot he didnt even bother abt me anymore. so i didnt sms him at all thinking he wasnt expecting any of em. but i was wrong and he got so angry. not talkin. *sigh*
he had been very very short tempered lately. these days.. for small small things he wud ignore me for e rest of e day. for small small things he wud drag it and turned it big.
wad's wrong wid him? i dunno.. all i did was blame myself for his change in behaviour. haiz..
i dun even know if he cares abt me anymore. i dun even know if he stil loves me like before. i doubt all dat. i really do. dis feeling of awkwardness.. argh! its killing me! its jus feels so strange now. i cant seem to face him like before again.. y!? oh god..
dreamt last nyte.. its hard to describe tho. had a dream e nyte after we had e biggest fyte, dat caused dis mess we're having ryte now. are all these dreams trynna
tell me something? are they trynna tell me
wad i hafta do? or are they trynna tell me
wad's gonna happen? he seem to be running away from dis one question of mine.. "do u stil love me?" its like he doesnt wana answer it. *sigh*
i jus hope i cud figure out wad these dreams are trying to tell me. and wad does it got to do wid dis mess..
so here comes nyte falling upon me. another day had gone and im stil searching for answers.
but.. my hopes wud stil be as high as e clouds even wen all is destined. i accept all dats coming. im prepared for all e decisions dat wud be made.
cuz i know.. derre's a reason for all these to happen. derre has to be..
"why'd u cal me for?"
"jus."
"jus? suke2 per?"
"do i need to hav a reason to cal u?"
"yah. u do. since today u need to hav a reason if u wana cal me." dat was a shocking thing to hear from him. tears of mine roll down my face. my mouth went shut for a moment.
is dis fer real?"r u crying?"
"nope.."
"ey, i was jus joking k." my heart started beating again. relieved.
met him. stil had his tongue barbell on. i wonder..
is he stil who he is? never mind. evrytime my eye caught sight of his new tattoo.. my heart fell. i feel so guilty. very guilty. his tattoo was bad. i almost felt like shedding tears. but i held on til i was far from him. i jus cudnt. i jus cudnt let him see my tears.
even so.. it was a relief. getting to meet him after so much, after so long. i was happy, sad, and evry feeling i ever had.
looking back on all e history we both had. e msn conversations we had. e fights and quarrels we had online. e happiest moments we had online. it made me see one thing. one thing i missed out all dis while. i was selfish.
i regret. i really hav. if god cud giv me one more chance to begin a new life wid him, i'd be more den happy. how i wished.
i woke up to another day. as usual. i looked forward to his cals. his sms. anything from him. well.. obviously derre's nothing. but i put my hopes so high. as always. im helpless now.
how is he? where is he? is he alryte? wish i cud get answers to these questions..
wads happening to us? i know. it was my mistake.
i didnt do it on purpose. i said dat one werd he despise. and all has changed.
he hated me. had a tattoo done. turned me into a stranger. and had no more love fer me too? i dunno. my mistake.
if only i cud turned back e tyme. i wud hav been derre wid him. for him. i wud hav done all dat i cud to save him from his past. if only i cud hav dat one chance to turn evrything back to normal.. i wud.
baby..
im sorry to cause all dis pain. im sorry to hav cause all dis mess. forgive me. mayb now u hav no more faith in me, in us. but i stil do. mayb now u hav no more love fer me like u did. but i stil love u. as always.
ur changing. and i cant seem to find a way to clear things out wid u. u seem to hav put me way aside from ur life. mayb i can understand y. but its hard if u wudnt say a werd to me. i know ur trying to avoid me. i dun blame u. at all.
i've been thinking very hard. wad can i do? wad shud i do? i havent find a way out but im stil looking.
im jus not myself anymore. i need u.
wad am i now? who am i now? who r u? wad r we?
