so many chances i gave.
so many opportunities he had.
so many patience i hold.
he's just too much.

will he ever change?

i was so fed up.
i felt so farked up.
i felt so farking angry.
bosan!!

i even asked him fer a break up.
jus to feed the anger in me at tht tyme.
i feel like slapping evryone's faces ryte now.
hai.. dah knp sak dgn aku ni?!

gGrrr!!!!!!

we met jus now.
me and him.
he had a farked up face on.
said he was tired.

now..
he's outside.
at this farking hour.
out with his farking so-called 'clan'.

wtf.

AaRgH!!!!! uRgH!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!bingit sak aku!!!!!!!

happy birthday to you!
happy birthday to you!!
happy birthday to umi!
happy birthday to you!!

yey!!

my mum lived to be 46!!
happy birthday, umi!
may you live even longer!
and may all your prayers be answered!

we all love you!
many many apologies from us all..
from head to toe.
you're the BEST!!
*MmUaCkSSS*

oh god.
im stuffing myself like a pig today.
had lunch at 12.
ate a full plate of rice.
had shrooms burger MEAL at kfc at 3pm.
i stressed. A MEAL!!

damn.
im gonna be soo farking fat by the end of 2 weeks
if im gonna continue eating this way!!

somebody please please please stop me!!

and now i feel like eating again.
shoots.

aku termenung jauh.
sehinggakan kata-kata teman-teman ku tidak ku hiraukan.

tetapi..
aku sedar.
aku sedar yang aku sedang termenung.
mengelamun.

apa yang sedang aku fikirkan?
kenapa aku termenung sebegitu jauh sekali?
kenapa aku merasakan seolah-olah ada sesuatu yang tidak kena?
apakah masalah ku sebenarnya?

aku sendiri tidak tahu jawapannya.
aku sendiri mushkil tentang keadaan ku ini.
hmmm..

"so u are gonna leave me lah?"
"ntah.blom lagi."

wtf.

im here.
all alone in my room.
figuring out the reason why.

im staring into this cold air.
trying to catch my breath.
trying to get some sleep.

but i can't.
i jus can't.

is this a life of a princess?
is this the life he intends to provide me?
is this for real?

have i not given him all that i have?
have i neglected him?
have i not provide for him as much as i cud?

i've loved him so much.
as much as i cud.

is this how his princess shall live?
is this how his castle is?

have i not provide him evrything?
have i not?

i almost gave up.
but did not.
why do you u always make me feel this way?

unappreciated.
made use of.

i think you ought to know.
my silence meant something.

my frens..
don't you yearn for this too?
once again.

i'm alredy missing him.
and i'll have to miss him again.

haven't been meeting him fer a while.
he's very bz at camp.
and now he's going to thailand.
for sure.
fer 2 weeks.
i don't want him to go.
really.

but.. *sigh*
it's what he wants and have to do.
then just go, dear..
i'll be fine.

im back early.
so here i am. blogging.
its so darn boring! really..
he's bz at camp.
so.. no point calling.
no point smsing either.
its abt to rain down here.
and i just feel like crashing soon.

*damn*
soo many presentations to complete before school closes.
one clinical presentation this friday.
anotha presentation due next week on tuesday.
many other presentations due in the weeks to come.
im soo tired. sick. aching.

soo many things i wana get.
but soo little money left in my bank.
pay day in few more weeks.
i jus can't wait!

fine.
i'll respect what he wants.
no interferences in his privacy.
and his farking personal life.

ahH!!
to hell wid his personal life.
i hav my own personal life and privacy too.
so..
don't interfere it!!

im not his gurl.
jus a fren.
neva talk to him bout me.
im not his gurl.

*argh*
angry. tht's how im feeling ryte now.
evry single tyme i prioritize him,
there'll surely be something tht turns it down.
*damn*

guess i'll be all alone. again.
*sigh*

wanted to catch THE MAID at sembawang sun plaza tonyte.
but ended up having a midnyte bite at sembawang satay club.
all cuz there's no more seats available and mum really really wants to watch tht show and nothing else.
so decided to catch the show another day.

so now here i am updating my blog again.
first day of this week was nice.
EN Kasmiah is sooo funny. very humorous.
she jus makes my day all the tyme.

he's just simply not picking up my cals.
wtf is he doing?
what the fark he has a phone for then?!
*damn*

his mum hated me.
gave me a hell of a scolding.
humiliated me in front of evrbody.
wants me to forget abt him.
and he did nothing. just watched as i drown in tears.

well..
thank god it was all a farking dream.
i don't want tht for obvious reasons!!

woke up real late today. ard 3pm.
did nothing at hum. updated attachment's learning guide.
and started on my case study tht's due this wed @1pm.

he came back from camp. and slept.
tht goes without saying lar. so didn't cal or sms him.
didn't wana disturb him. so im just updating my blog here.
*damn*

ArgHH!!
jus remembered i got medications to serve on thursday.
better revise back!
*shit*

for him.

thank you.
fer all the love & care you've showered me with.
thank you.
fer being very very patient with me and my ever-changing farking attitude.
thank you.
fer accepting me as your beloved girl after all tht i did to hurt you.
thank you.
fer giving me all these chances and the chance to be your girl.
thank you.
fer making me feel sooo loved.

i know i've hurt you so much and cut you so deep.
im sorry
im very sorry.
fer all the things tht i did to hurt you.
before. and now.
i didn't mean all tht.

i dun wana lose you anymore.
i've lost you too many tymes in these years of togetherness.
and i can't bear to lose u again. ever.

i need you. so much. by my side.
i need you here with me.
evry minute. evry second. evry day.
i need you to keep me warm.
i long to be in your arms.
forever.

i love you.
u love me too, ryte?

happy birthday to you!
happy birthday to you!!
happy birthday to my dearest shuping!!
happy birthday to you!

yey!!
shuping's 18 today! congratulations! at last. u manage to reach eighteen.
*hehe*

now u can do all the things u can't do before you were eighteen.
ryte? isn't it jus great to be eighteen..

so happy birthday again. and may god grant you your birthday wish.
i know i can't.
*heehee*

love u shuping. and oh..
I MISS YOU SO DAMN MUCH!!

a fren of mine updated his blog and says we shud take a look at what is written here

tyme passed too quickly. and now it's dark outside.
evrything seems to end very fast ryte now. oh well..

he's at camp. and i hope he's doing well.
at least i know he alredy ate. tht's good enuf.
i just miss him so much now. and i dunno why.
he's not been contacting me so often nowadays.
i wonder why..
guess he's just bz with work at camp now tht national day is ard the corner.

talking abt national day..
anybody wana watch fireworks on 9th aug?
dis only applies to thos NOT going fer the parade yar..
cal me k..

let's talk abt attachments.
it was great. only during afternoon shifts mayb.
the staffs were very humorous and not selfish. well..
most of em are malays and young.
'ouh.. tht's why..'
*hehe*

*damn it*
i mistook him. again.
and i tink he really hav given up. on dis shit.
*damn*

wads wrong with me?
i dun wana lose him anymore. no i don't.

somebody help me suppress my ego, please!

jumping to conclusions.

tht was a mistake i made in the past. and now im doing it again. *shit*
i've ruined evry surprise he had fer me. evry single tyme.

he had to work xtra hard. jus bcuz he cancelled and backed off from the thailand trip thing. fer me. cuz he knew i didnt like it. so tht's why the no replies and no answers. he was bz. too bz.

i felt so sorry. i shud hav trusted him a lil more. i shudnt hav all the stupid thots of him cheating me. but i cant help it. all dis has got to do wid the past.
*damn it*

i tink he really is very disappointed in me. i made him sad so many tymes.
and im stil hurting him.

aisyah! wake up! start realising & change before he decides to leave you! oh god.

oops!!

ok. so i got the wrong birthday date. thot it was SHUPING's birthday today. *hehe* sorry gurl! wil wish you again ayte. *paiseh*

today's the end of my ferst wk of attachment. tht's good news. attachment was great tho we were like "gundus" on the 1st and 2nd day. cant wait fer next wk to end. *hehe*

he'll be gone fer thailand in two wks' tyme. 12th of august. to be exact. *haiz*
wad can i say? aiyah.. jus let him go lar. tho i dun really like him going to thailand. HART IT!! hmmm.. wonder wads gonna happen while he's not ard... *ponders*

he's jus too bz now. no replies to any of my sms-es. his hp batt gets flat evry nyte. no answer whenever i called. *sigh*

mayb he's jus too bz wid stufs. his stufs. dunno lar. dun wana tink too much. jus be me. tht's it. he's happy. im happy. evrybody's happy. cool.

anyways.. no plans tomoro. anybody cud jus ask me out, pls?! *hee*

mummy got herself a new hp. e one lyke sheila's using now. she's been wanting tht hp fer lyke a few mths now. at last she got it.

he changed his hp too. yesterday. e new 3230. i tink..

evryone's changing their hp.. i wana change hp too!! *hehe*

he's going off to thailand in 2 wks tyme. i hate it. i dun want him to go. i hate it when he's not ard me. and he'll be gone for a mth!! how does he expect me to survive tht long?! i'll miss him. *sigh* i dun like it when i hafta miss him. i hate it. i hate his camp. i just hate em.

happy birthday, Aisyah.

it started off bad. i had puffed up eyes at the dawn of my birthday. attachments started today. *sigh* i just knew it was bad.

but.. THANK GOD! it didnt last fer long. i was brought fer a birthday treat. thank you. to him. thank you fer making tyme to come down. to mama & uncle zack or how his name is spelled. thank you fer the birthday treat. to nenek. thank you fer all the things. to gal. thanks fer wishing me dear sis.

mum wanted to bring me fer a treat too i guess. thanks.
and to all my frens who gave me all the best wishes.. thank you so much.

to mrs may chia. my ISP lecturer in charge. thank you fer the best wishes and the chocolate. to all my survivor frens posted to ward 46. thank you fer the wishes. thanks.

to my adk izzah. thank you fer wishing me all the best wishes. to yaminah aka ry. hehe.. thank you fer all the best wishes. love you.

despite all those wishes from these pple.. i stil only hav one birthday wish. and it wil always be.

god.
mum & dad.
family.
friends. best friends.
e past..
dat made me who i am
today. and..
the present.

ais. 21.
live to love
& to be loved.
v simple lady.
nvr asks for anything.
jus happiness.
life so far is just good.

nurul
ibnu
din
aza
syaz
baizurah
Su
shuping
alberto
nurayyan
meiyi
mel
manda
mainey
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